A Single's Guide to St. Valentine's Day (or, How to Get Through the Most Depressing Day of the Year)

It’s St. Valentine’s Day! Blind, naked, pink-cheeked babies are flying around, shooting fake plastic arrows and generally dispensing love left and right. For some yet to be discovered reason, the arrows always seem to miss me, and every year I'm left entirely alone to wallow in self pity, wandering what on Earth I could have possibly done to deserve such unbearable loneliness.

Sniff.

So what to do to get through this depressing day without jumping off a cliff? Drown my sorrows in Nutella and booze? No, that would make me fat. Hook up with the first person I meet on the street? No, that would be unhealthy. Pretend it’s just any other day of the year? Yeah, like that’s possible with all the pink and roses and various mushy love items fluttering about.

What can I say? I'm single. And you know what the worst part is? I really, really, really wish I wasn't.

Double-sniff.

I won't lie to you. I adore the concept of St. Valentine's Day. Yes, it is a manufactured holiday to sell cards and chocolate and flowers, etc., but what the hell, I'd be really happy to receive cards and chocolate and flowers, even if it meant funding evil corporations.

I could try to pretend I didn't care, but would you believe me? I wouldn't believe myself!

But I guess tomorrow's just another day... oh, wait, isn't tomorrow singles' day? Squeeee!

Anyway, here's some personal tips to get through today (even though today's almost over, at least it is here in Europe... but honestly, I couldn't bring myself to do this any earlier. I was busy watching crappy movies on cable TV...):

1) Listen to feel-good songs, eg.

• 'Beautiful', by Christina Aguilera. I know, I know, Christina Aguilera is rather lame, but the lyrics to this song are truly uplifting: 'you are beautifuuullll, no matter what they saaaaay, words can't bring youuuu dooooowwwwn!' I couldn't agree more. So yeah, lsiten to Christina, but don't watch the video, it's full of ugly people. Which I guess is the whole point of the song... (on an unrelated note, how crappy must it be to get cast for a role in a video where everybody's ugly? It's like, you're ugly, we want you!)
• 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun', by Cindy Lauper. Who wants smelly, fat, bald men? Girls just wanna have fun! Like, totally!
• 'Single', by Natasha Bedingfield. This is self-explanatory, really. An ode to all the lonely hearts of the world. You don't need to be paired up in order to be happy! Even though Natasha ruined the whole 'independent woman' image with her next song, where she basically professed her undying love to unidentified cute male who walked about in her video. Whatever.
• 'Everybody Hurts', by R.E.M. You are not alone in your pain. Everybody hurts sometimes! (NOTE: It is not advisable for you to try to sing along. Especially if you're tone deaf, *cough*Panacea*cough*)
• What is a song list without Britney? Hmmm, what to pick amongst the shining gems of her repertoire? A-ha! Of course! 'Outrageous'! (don't ask... it's one of her lesser known singles. In fact, I only know it because Micky actually owns the CD. OK, fine, I admit it; I have 'Outrageous' on my iPod. So what? Is it a crime to like Britney? You have a problem with that? Huh?) This amazingly well-written and stupendously performed Brtiney song is basically on the same shallow note of the rest of her opus. However, it does not talk about mushy teen love, but about, um, shopping, and Britney's 'sex-drive'. Yeah. Whatever it is that you, virtual reader, are thinking, I agree. Unless you're a 50-year-old pervert who ogles Britney's cleavage at every occasion. In that case, I'm not thinking what you're thinking. Sorry.
• 'I Hate You So Much Right Now', by Kelis. Because you have to understand that men are bastards who cheat on you, and they should all be emasculated because they do not deserve anything but pain and the contempt of the entire female population. Besides, we could totally reproduce without them. Just give science some time. Evil men!

2) Putting these songs on loop will hopefully put you in the right mood to appreciate just how good it is to be single. Every cloud has a silver lining! First off, there won’t be any of those pesky anniversary and birthday dates to remember. Also, you won’t have to worry about him cheating on you. You won’t be jealous of random females he happens to look at when you’re out. You certainly won’t get pregnant (unless you’re the Virgin Mary). You won’t have to pretend to like the crappy music he listens to. You will live longer (all spinsters live to the ripe old age of 112. Didn’t you know?) And, last but not least, you will not be forced to watch 'The Fast and the Furious' instead of 'How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days' (not that the latter movie is any good. But seriously, anything is better than an hour and a half of car races with implausible stunts).

3) Pamper yourself. A good idea is to send yourself roses or buy yourself Ferrero Rocher, but make sure nobody know it was you, otherwise you'll look more pathetic than you already are. If someone asks you who sent the flowers, try to look embarrassed, make yourself blush and say, in whispered tones: ‘I don’t know! I found them in my locker this morning, but I really don’t know who put them there. But isn’t it cool that I have a secret admirer?’ Make sure the person you tell this to is one of those people who are certain to spread the news throughout the school/office/kennel faster than you can say ‘secret’. This will make everyone, including yourself, think that you’re not single, and really, isn’t that what you want?

And that's all there is to it, folks. If you're still miserable, I suggest going to bed early. Which is what I'm going to do tonight.