Tuesday, September 12, 2006

The Fantastic Bore

In which eloquent excerpts from a chat conversation between TPF and Pan are used to illustrate the utter crappiness of the movie The Fantastic Four, which, for the record, both TPF and Pan watched on TV, and therefore for free, because they would both rather eat raw liver than pay to watch that movie. Because it is that bad. Oh, you might want to know that in this conversation, the characters in the movie were referred to as follows: Reed Richards=Reed, Sue Storm=Jessica Alba, Johnny Storm=Johnny, The Thing=Ben, Von Doom=Cole (because the dude playing him is Cole on Charmed).

[The audience is introduced to the underdeveloped, 2-dimensional characters]
Pan: i used to be totally into this cartoon, like badly

but he was always married to sue
never saw the start of it all
TPF: um, who's married to sue?
who's sue? jessica alba?
Pan: richards
TPF: who's richard?
Pan: i never got his first name
reed, i think
TPF: the dude in the elevator right now?
Pan: yeah, they eventually get married
and the human torch fire dude is her brother
TPF: oh
Pan: his name is Johnny
TPF: I thought he was her boyfriend
Pan: :)
TPF: that's what it looked like in the trailer


[A scantily clad Jessica Alba appears onscreen, wearing revealing clothing for no apparent reason. This distracts viewers, even female viewers, so it must be even worse for hormonal teenaged male viewers. Also, the choppy plot advancement is mentioned]
TPF: omg look at jessica alba! OMG DUDE SHE'S
TPF: stop looking at her boobs, Pan
Pan: okay, have stopped now
TPF: yeah, because shes not onscreen
Pan: they're already in space? that was fast


[Pan and TPF note the hotness of Cole, the only member of the film's cast who can actually produce expressions other than a blank look]
TPF: cole is a jerk
Pan: even in charmed
TPF: a hot jerk, though
in charmed he's sexy evil
Pan: totally. he's totally typecast
TPF: PAN! i didn't know you watched Charmed! I SEE BLACKMAIL MATERIAL HERE!


[More bad plotting, ridiculously bad acting, tiny Sin City reference and special effects that would make even Buffy and Charmed fans cringe]
TPF: dude, is she flriting with two different men?
Pan: yeah, well, she's jessica alba
TPF: yeah, she can afford to even have sex with bruce willis
Pan: she can flirt with 10 men if she wants
TPF: :) yeah
dude, btw, are these people willingly allowing themselves to get radiated by a cosmic storm?
Pan: reed is a crappy actor
TPF: or is there going to be a mistake?
'It's impossible! It's got to be 7 hours!'
that explains it

Pan: aah
totally explains it
she's pretending to be clueless
how stupid!
i cant see her boobs
im annoyed
TPF: oh but she looks hot in that suit
omg, bad cgi
Pan: poor ben, i always feel sorry for him. he becomes red and ugly and unattractive
Pan: ha! bad effects
TPF: poor ben
Pan: i know
rather bad effects
TPF: yeah
rather bad
is cole going to get radiated too? and become evil?


[The only decent special effects are commented upon]
Pan: OMG
he's burning
Pan: and he just did
Pan: hot


[Feeling sorry for the only likeable character, Ben, and more mocking of the terrible, terrible special effects]
Pan: no one's going to love him now
TPF: What will his wife do?
don't tell me
Pan: how horrible
TPF: i want to see
Pan: i'd totally leave him
TPF: omg, she's going to leave him, isn't she?
Pan: i dont know what happens
he's like an ape now, who wouldnt want to leave him? i would
Pan: he looks like hagrid
TPF: the hand looks like plastic!


[The Fantastic Four cause a huge pile-up on a bridge and then are hailed as heroes for saving the people whose lives they endangered in the first place. Pan and TPF comment on the idiocy of this and, once again, on the hotness of Cole]
Pan: why do people love them so much? theyre the ones who caused the accident
TPF: oh! cole!
Pan: jessica alba is so totally dumping him
right now
TPF: why isn't anyone wondering where cole's symptoms are?
Pan: i know
it's silly
TPF: the only person in this movie who can act is cole
Pan: i know. it's almost a b movie
with bad actors and effects
TPF: almost as bad as buffy effects
i like the fire effects though, they actually look nice


[Pan feels sorry for Cole, and Jessica Alba's bad acting and revealing wardrobe are remarked upon yet again]
TPF: oh jessica
bad acting
Pan: she cant act at all
she's like in it for the boobs
and then there is cole, who's finally changing

everyone's so mean to him, including his own girlfriend
TPF: aaaaaaaw!

poor evil mastermind!
Pan: no wonder he goes evil
i would if everyone hated me
someone needs to hug him

why arent the others being nice to him?
TPF: because he's evil? he's a bad bad person
Pan: he's evil because they're not nice to him
it's a vicious cycle, like the poverty cycle
TPF: no
they're not nice to him
because he's evil

Pan: no, hes evil because they're not nice to him
TPF: fine


[A bad explanation is given for how the Fantastic Four's uniforms resist their superpowers. TPF, with her eternally inquisitive and analytic mind, cannot believe her ears, and wonders how on earth it all actually got made into a movie]
TPF: its silly that the radiation modified the uniforms too
Pan: i know
TPF: i mean
the uniforms are not organic
they have no genes. how can they mutate?

Pan: yes, sweetie
TPF: it's really stupid
Pan: I know


[Generic bitching about the utter lack of plot, even past the 1-hour mark. Expressions of disbelief on the badness of the movie]
TPF: dude
this is such a bad movie
Pan: bad acting
TPF: nothing is happening
NOTHING at all
ben is the only one who's acting
Pan: i cant believe we're seeing this
TPF: neither can i
Pan: they could at least make out. why are they not making out?
how silly
TPF: can jessica do anything but look mildly sad?
is she able to do anything else? does she have other expressions?
Pan: she cant do anything
she has to show her boobs
aah evil ben
TPF: dude
do you think there'll actually be a plot one day? a plot that lasts more than 10 minutes?
Pan: well Cole is getting evil. and they have to stop him
TPF: yeah, well
the movie's almost over

Pan: cole looks even hotter now
he' got a metal face
oh great, he has a mask now. why couldnt they come up with a better mask?
he's darth cole now


[Oh yes. It really is a bad movie]
TPF: this is a really bad movie. really bad
Pan: i know
TPF: like so bad it's almost funny
Pan: they destroyed half of new york
and people still love them


[The obligatory romantic ending is bad. Very bad. Worse than usual]
how romantic!
what kind of surname is storm?
Pan: he's just asking her because she can get invisible
TPF: yeah

Thankfully, the movie ended at this point. It was bad. Really, really bad. In case you hadn't realised.

PS: Pan and TPF don't really call each other Pan and TPF on random msn conversations. In fact, they never call each other Pan and TPF. They actually have real names.



Blogger ash said...

First of all, you'll always be Pan and TPF to me. Don't go around ruining that illusion. You're breaking the fourth wall - NEVER break the fourth wall!!!

I will save and print this post just in case I ever happen to see the Fantastic Four. Obviously this is now more likely since I was not previously aware that Jessica Alba's boobs played such a pivotal role.
This post will act as the equivalent to a DVD director's commentary for when I do see it.

11:23 PM  
Blogger Panacea said...

*sigh* We're hilarious! You forgot to mention the bad relationship development between Jessica Alba and Johnny with random sibling angst.

I should go back and read some of our old gtalk conversations. I don't remember us being this silly :)

My favourite bit was:
Pan:the human torch fire dude is her brother
TPF: oh
Pan: his name is Johnny
TPF: I thought he was her boyfriend
Pan: :)
TPF: that's what it looked like in the trailer

8:01 PM  
Blogger Eris said...

honey, next time .... just turn the damn tv off. sheesh you two are obsessed with boobs. you wanna see a really bad movie? watch sharkman. ugh. lol
thanx for the laugh.

9:37 AM  
Blogger The Poodle's Friend said...

ash: Who said anything about not being Pan and TPF? Of course we're Pan and TPF. What are you talking about?
Oh, yes. Trust us. Those boobs are everywhere.

Pan: God, we're so silly. We really are. Almost like Pirates of the Caribbean.

eris: ah, but turning the TV off would have turned all the fun off!

10:35 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home