The Da Vinci Crap. Code. I meant Code.
But I did see the movie.
Alas, your last bulwark against the onslaught of mass media hype, your remaining fortress of anti-bestsellerism, the final frontier of the war against so-called literature, in other words this blog, has fallen.
I have succumbed to the pressure. I have seen The Da Vinci Code. With a capital D. I was probably amongst the first few people in Milan to do so, in fact, as I watched the 2 o'clock showing. We even got cheap tickets. We being Pan and I. Yes, Pan was there too. Had you any doubt?
What, you think I am shamelessly procrastinating the moment in which I will have to reveal what I actually thought of the movie? Well spotted.
I liked it.
It wasn't that bad.
From here on, there shall be spoilers. Proceed at your own risk.
The first half was good. Reasonably paced, reasonably mysterious, reasonably reasonable. The self-flagellating albino monk was successfully creepy. Overblown music served to highlight moments of astounding revelation. Tom Hanks was kind of endearing in a slightly bloated, 'I used to be this great star when I made quality movies and movies with Meg Ryan but then I sort of, uh, wasn't anymore,' way. Audrey Tautou ruled, even though from Amelie to The Da Vinci Code is as big a cinematic quality drop as they make them. And the whole trasure hunt thing that worked so well in National Treasure worked well in this movie too.
Tom Hanks: A clue! Let us follow it!
Evil monk: KILL! KIIIIILLLLL! Flagellate.
Tom Hanks: ANOTHER CLUE! Let us follow it more!
Random characters: We are good! We are helping the heroes!
Tom Hanks: Great! [gets hit in the head numerous times]
Random characters: HA! GOTCHA!
Tom Hanks: You're evil? B-But...
Audience: Dude, you're the only one who bought it.
Tom Hanks: [mopes] But I fell in a well when I was little. So now I'm claustrophobic.
Audrey Tautou: A-HA! Let me heal you with my magical powers.
Audience: Um, is this a hint?
Audrey Tautou: No. By the way, my parents died when I was little.
Audience: Awwww.
Tom Hanks: No time for interesting backstory! I have discovered yet another clue! We must follow it at all costs and make sure to pointedly ignore the fact that an evil monk is after us and he's clearly better than us at various methods of violence, therefore it would make sense for us not to turn our backs on him, but you know what? What is an action movie without the action heroes doing exactly that?
Audience: Hear, hear!
Et cetera.
As you would expect, this got old after a while. Eventually, Ian McKellen, the quirky yet endearing cripple, came into the picture.
Ian McKellen: I am quirky yet endearing. Also, my connection to Tom Hanks is obscure. Oh, and I am a rich Englishman.
Tom Hanks: Hi. Help us. Also, we need someone to do the exposition.
Ian McKellen: Allow me to expose, then. The Holy Grail, yadda yadda yadda, Knights of the Templar, yadda yadda yadda, Mary Magdalene, yadda yadda yadda, in conclusion, Jesus was married and had children. This is the Church's uber-secret. Please try to ignore the fact that my explanation has been completely ineffectual in clearing up the question of who's after whom and why.
Audrey Tautou: But then it's not an explanation...
Tom Hanks: Whatever. Watch me as I pretend to disagree with Ian McKellen. Overlook the fact that my acting skills are less than convincing.
Audience: OK. But only because you used to make movies with Meg Ryan.
At this point, I gave up on understanding the plot. Mind you, it's probably just me. I'm not good at getting plots. Unless they're obvious.
Tom Hanks and Audrey Tautou: [after having numerous near-death experiences at the hands of the creepy monk and the police] Woah. We might have actually reached the end!
A clue: No you haven't!
Audrey Tautou: NO! NOT ANOTHER CLUE!
A clue: Geez, kidding.
Audience: OH THANK GOD!
Tom Hanks: Here we go, then-
Ian McKellen: A-HA! That's what you think!
Tom Hanks: Ian? What? You're supposed to be in mortal peril! More importantly, you're not supposed to be here!
Ian McKellen: WRONG! I AM EVIL! MUHAHAHHAUHA. And a pitiful excuse for a plot twist. Which is also evil.
Audrey Tautou: [sighs] This will never end, will it?
Audience: Sorry.
Eventually, the French police appeared out of nowhere and arrested Ian McKellen, which is a pity, because he was doing a great job acting slightly unhinged. Almost as cool as Magneto, in fact. And then, the big revelation.
Audrey Tautou: Uh, aside from displaying my lovely French accent and my above-average acting skills, what exactly was my purpose? Oh, right, I am related to the old chap who died at the beginning.
Tom Hanks: No you're not! You're related to JESUS!
Audrey Tautou: Well, you sure appear pretty calm for someone who's delivering momentous news. I don't believe you.
Tom Hanks: [tries harder] You are related to JESUS! You are the Holy Grail!
Ian McKellen: [from his prison cell] A-HA! You finally got it! But didn't you realise from the SUBTLE hints I threw in throughout the movie, such as but not limited to the famous saying 'We often don't see what's right in front of us' paired with a meaningful look towards Audrey? And her generosity towards a random heroin addict in a random park in Paris? And her magical healing powers? And the fact that she got way too much camera time for someone who was supposed to just help the hero?
Audience: Uh...
Tom Hanks: Oh my God, I am standing in the same room as Jesus' last living relative. Can't you see how shocked I am from my lack of expression? Oh my God, you are Jesus' descendant. Uh, wow?
Audience: How?
Ian McKellen: [from his prison cell] I AM EVIL! MUHAHAHHAUHA.
I still don't get why Ian McKellen was evil, though. It's not like he tried to kill anybody.
Anyway. Audrey Tautou is Jesus' great-great-great... something.
This was followed by moments of enlightenment on the beauty of faith, a chaste kiss on the forehead delivered by Tom Hanks to Audrey Tautou, and the random appearance of random people who are randomly assigned to protect Audrey Tautou because guess what? She's related to Jesus!
Why the outrage, I wonder? I'm sure the book made a decent thriller, bad writing aside. The movie made a decent thriller too, average acting aside. But two and a half hours of treasure hunting and inane plot twists sure aren't enough to destroy the Church. Especially as the movie takes so much care to be politically correct. I learned more about Opus Dei through an article on Time magazine than I did through the movie.
Besides, the final revelation is kind of ludicrous.
Oh well. I suppose it counts as a plot twist.
Well, that's all, folks. TPF has voluntarily spent money on The Da Vinci Code. You can now proceed to mock her. But seriously, it wasn't that bad. And hey, you can thank me for putting myself through the torture in your stead. Or hate me for revealing the twists. Whatever tickles your fancy.
PS: Despite the movie's title, there was very little about Leonardo and altogether too much on unintelligible plot points. Movie script writers would do well to remember that quality, not quantity, makes a movie decent. Twenty minutes of exposition will do nothing unless the exposition makes sense. Yes, I'm still bitter about the whole not understanding the plot thing.
Labels: Reviews
posted by The Poodle's Friend at 4:10 PM
11 Comments:
My feet still hurt. I wanted ice cream. This is all your fault!
This is hilarious. You had me giggling through the whole thing. How good does it feel to watch a crappy movie in english at half price? And I am sorry if I giggled loudly and embarrassed you all through the last sentimental scene.
Paul Bettany is great in the movie. Seriously, I've read the book, and the flagellation scenes in the movie still had me flinching. I'm sure you arm must have felt it when I almost cut out its blood circulation.
Audrey Tautou is just hot. Fine, I just stop pointing out hot actresses in you posts. I understand its weird.
I was chuckling throughout. Throughout the post I mean.
Though I must staunchly disagree with you about Tom Hanks. If he did it averagely then there is no one else who could've done it better. Except maybe Al Pacino. Who else can look intellectual and sexy at the same time? Certainly not Colin Farrel. (I mean sexy yes, intelligent no)
But what pains me is Ron Howard. He made such gems like A Beautiful Mind, Cinderella Man etc. etc. No more I guess.
And Oh my goodness. The hype over the movie. You saw it EVERYWHERE. On "intelligent" channels (NGC, Discovery), on public buses, on church channels (defaming it), on the internet (the google & da Vinci collaboration). It would never have lived up to such hype. Never. I think I'll rather spend my cash on X-Men III. Or watch You've Got Mail re-runs. Or better still catch the Bette Davis marathon on TCM.
I, for one, hope this movie bombs big time. Can you e mail me at Hugo713@aol.com. I'd like to ask you to help me with a project for charity and I need someone in Italy to help. My Italian wife is no help.. go figure! thanks, John
The movie was crap, wasn't it.
hmm i guess i can forgive you for actually spending money to see that movie since i plan on seeing it myself. the plot is unimportant.... i just want to see paul bettany. he's amazing. i'm drooling. going now.
Great review!
You had me laughing out loud.
Brilliant post and review! How come you haven't joined the Gasbags?
Yes, you MUST join the gasbags--you are quite good at it. *snort*
I may be wrong, but I believe you missed my review of said book and movie a couple of weeks ago.
Pan: We should call Audrey Tautou. I bet she can totally heal you. Because she's related to JESUS.
Albino Paul Bettany is hot. I agree.
Nitin: OMG Nitin you have no idea how creepily excited about X-Men III I am, I keep squealing like a crazy fangirl every time I see the trailer, it's crazy, I can't wait and I'll stop with the gushing now. You've Got Mail made me cry. That's weird.
father of 3: Thanks for dropping by! I'm not sure I can help with your project, though, as I'm leaving next year. Also, I'm only seventeen!
Eris: Yeah. He's hot. Especially as an evil monk.
nikki: thanks! =)
ATM: I don't know, actually. I don't usually read books that I know I won't like, but I often watch crappy movies so I could. How do I join?
Pooper: Of course I didn't miss it! It was great, actually, but I was sort of in exam mode and I only read it a few days after you posted it.
That was a great post. I'll wait until it's on DVD before I watch it. I'm hopeless at the cinema. I can't cope with people munching and slurping their snacks and drinks. I end up sshing them very loudly!!
TPF, you are positively brilliant. That was the funniest thing I have ever read.
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